Nerd Alert

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Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Dear Dawei,

I am writing to you in your capacity as men's underwear expert. My capacity is as second in charge of the Queensland Police Criminal Profiling Division (Gold Coast sub-Branch).

In the "Australian" newspaper, there is a feature story about 23 year old convicted parent-murderer Sef Gonzales. In the story, it mentions the existence of a "soft-focus photograph of him sporting a bare torso and Calvin Klein underwear. This is supposed to be Gonzales as third runner-up in the babyface division of the 1999 Calvin Klein Asia".

The article goes on to say that this is a lie.

My question to you arises because, having closely perused the said photo, I do not believe that the underpants the young murderer is wearing in it are actually Calvin Kleins at all. If you look at the photo yourself, you can see that the underpants appear to be of the "scrunched-up fabric around the elastic band at-the-top" variety. (Sorry that I can't be more technical here; I only know this variety because they're the ones that my wife always buys for me from the 99-cent bargain bin at the Logan City Big W).

Anyway, I'm hoping for your insights on what sort of criminal would fake his own photo in a Calvin Klein underwear competition, and while not even wearing real Calvin Kleins, to boot?

Your answer here will be of immense future assistance to the force, because if we can build-up an "underwear profile" of would-be parent murderers, most of these crimes could be preventable.


Barry Hinzeworthy,
Queensland Police Criminal Profiling Division (Gold Coast sub-Branch)

Dear Barry,

I don't think you need my help at all! I can tell you are an expert at the delicate art (and sport) of Waistband Brand Spot 'n' Judge. Clearly you are a homosexual in the highest order, and I must congratulate you on bringing the issues of Our People to the police community. Well done for getting this far in the police force, and I look forward to your banner waving at next year's Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras on the police float (handy, as then you wont need to change for the after-party. Uniforms are hot!).

Props to your wife as well, she must be a top-notch hag.

As for your technical question, when you say "scrunched-up fabric around the elastic band at-the-top variety" of underwear, I think you mean "cheap-ass underwear". Why someone would take those photos and be proud enough of them to enter them in some lame Boat Person version of Search for a Supermodel (I bet Matthew Kopp's ears are burning right now) is beyond me.

As for his mental state, clearly he must be delusional. Calvin Klein underwear hasn't been cool for like, forty years. It's hardly an exciting luxury brand, so imitating it is more than a little bathetic.

It's weird that some people still think this sort of underwear is cool. I mean, my dad wears CK underwear. If I pull down your pants to find CK I immediately associate you with my father. Well, not totally I guess, as I'll still fuck you... but still. Enough! Same goes for 2(x)ist, the most common, ugly, boring, uninspired underwear on the homo-market (sorry ladies, but like boxer-briefs, if you man wears 'em, he takes it rectally). Be more creative, plebs!

So really, can if he thinks wearing Calvin Klein will make him more desirable he is clearly insane. Add this to the fact that his actual underwear is cheap and probably made out of satin, can you blame him for murdering his parents?